Like our Sydney sky right now I am feeling a little on the blah side. Actually, I feel down, I don't want to make what I feel less than what it is but I know I do that because I never want to freak anyone out...I don't want to lose friends over my ever changing emotional state.
I have been taking anti depressants on and off since I was 17 (I am 33 now) and recently I have been on them continuously for about 2 1/2 years, that co-incides with then Eva came home from hospital after all her surgery. I was left feeling bereft, mourning the loss of having a normal baby, so desperately sad at my breastfeeding relationship cut short when I realised that she couldn't suck anymore, and having my dear husband working so hard, out of the house for so many hours of the day.
Some days I feel like a huge weight is sitting on my chest and I can't see around it. I can't function properly, I am distracted by the weight, I am worried about how long it will be there and then I am so guilty about how this affects my family. I shut myself off from friends and I generally turn inward.
I think this last bout of sadness is directly related to Eva being hospitalised. When she gets sick enough to go to hospital I wonder if she will die, I wonder if this will be all it takes to cause irrevocable damage to her heart. I realise that for a long time I had been enjoying Eva's wellness and then curse myself for being naive and stupid. I worry this will afflict her forever, will she struggle in school sport, will she be able to have a baby, will she be able to back pack around the world, be wild and reckless if she wants to.
I feel a very close connection to my blogging friends, I feel so happy and lucky to be part of your community, thank you for letting me in. I hope we will be in each others lives for a long time to come.
23 comments:
Oh Soph. There is nothing worse in the world than having a sick child. Hang in there and know that you have lots of people thinking of you x
Please don't be scared of letting us in. It's a lonely world if we all just go around pretending things are ok.
You're not the only one on antidepressants either :-)
oh Soph, your one of the sweetest souls I have ever met. Take care my friend - you know I'm just on the other end of the phone if you need to chat. Bx
I am on the other side of the world, but I would so much like to wrap my arms around you and give you a big hug. It must be so hard to worry about your little girl so much, it is the fear of every mother, I think, to go through what you go through. Don't doubt yourself, don't feel bad about yourself. You are, from what I can see, such a strong and loving mother. Your family is lucky to have you, with all your ups and downs. x
You are such an inspiration - and the honesty and truth in this post adds to that. You are an inspiring mother who adores her beautiful, little girls. That's what I see. I think of you often, and it must be so hard having a sick babe, but you are doing an awesome job. Lots of love, xxx
Dear Sophie, it is such an incredibly hard thing to have a chronically sick child. My heart truly goes out to you. You have such strength in you to keep on keeping on. God bless, you are in my thoughts xo
Am thinking of you Sophie. Take care and be kind to yourself.....
Sophie...your post brought tears to my eyes. I can't begin to imagine how much stressful having a sick child is. You are an amazing Mum. Hugs to you xx
Oh you are such a sweetie I swear. I know that we had the same feelings about Caleb when he was diagnosed although no where near as scary as what Eva went through but still who would he be as an adult, how will it affect him and I get caught out too in the good times thinking we ar eon top of it and you can't help feel a little sad when somedays you realise you are well and truly in the thick of it. Eva has a beautiufl soul and I reckon no matter how her internal heart beats her soul heart beat will mean that she lives her life with full ferocity. She may not play sport, she may be lucky enough to adopt but there will be so many other lessons she will achieve. Sending you all lots of love. xx
Oh and I reckon feeling a little blah every now and then is perfectly ok and you should share it.
I agree with all of the above, but also wanted to say you are doing an amazing job. And don't be afraid to share, I don't think any of your bloggy friends would desert you for your honesty.
Hugs to you and Eva and dad.
Hugs Soph. Sorry to hear you're feeling down. Sicks kids are an enormous strain on the emotions. We're all here for you and I'm lucky enough to know you beyond the bounds of cyber space....coffee Friday? Look after yourself. xxxx
Found your blog through Little Things Are Big. So sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch. Your girls are beautiful! You are blessed. And I'm impressed by your creativity too! Looking forward to following along.
http://sidac.blogspot.com
Thank you for sharing with us, Sophie. The isolation makes it so much worse, and you've taken a big, positive step in reaching out. I understand where you are coming from. You are not alone. I'm sending you big Texas hugs. . . and I'm not a hugger. (I'm sending some prayers, too, for good measure.)
Oh Soph. I wish I could wrap you in a hug. Eva is one lucky little girl to have you as her Mama. Don't kick yourself for enjoying the healthy good days that you have with her - those are the days with all the good memories that can help see you through the harder days. Hopefully the hard days become fewer and far between. You're doing a great job and are a fabulous Mom.
So sorry to hear you are feeling lousy Soph. For what its worth I think most of us would feel the same in the same situation. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you all. Thanks for letting us in.. retreating into oneself doesn't do anybody any good. Take care, we're all thinking of you...
It's no wonder you're feeling a little blah with all you've been through. Hang in there - know that there are so many people who care about you and that tomorrow is a new day. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
I know what it's like to be in your situation,Ive been there.Treasure every moment try not not to think of the what ifs.Life is too short.Let people in when you need to,especially your family because they are feeling a lot of the same things (as I found out).
take care
Deb
i love you sophie
Feeling blah is part of every mums life I think - and you have so much extra on your plate than some of us.
Don't feel bad about your blahs - just let people help where possible and be kind to yourself.
I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling cr*ppy. I am astounded by what you manage to acheive and how nurturing you are of your family and then still having the energy to be such a loving an supportive aunt and friend. It's been lovely to get to know you a little through Craft Room and I look forward to continuing to see you next year. Be gentle with yourself, Amelia.
Sophie, feeling blah is crappy and I hope that this blah passes soon. You are such a sweet thing and thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts with everyone.
I think having a sick child would be terrifying and so difficult to cope with. You are doing a sensational job.
xxx
you're a better person than all of us for sharing your thoughts and worries! it takes a lot of courage....big hugs!! and hoping eva is back on track really soon!
Corrie:)
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